Just so you know

The people in my life are amazing. When we received the news of my son Ronnie's cancer diagnoses our world turned upside down. Without the love and support of family and friends I'm not sure how we could have ever walked alone. The outpouring of cards, messages, phone calls, visits and prayers has been a humbling experience. I'm so grateful that my world consists of kindness rather than hatred. I feel hurt knowing there are people who are filled with bitterness and hate and cast it on others. I feel hurt knowing other people don't have the support system that I have been blessed with. I have been dealt a heavy burden but I promised myself and God that I will pay it forward to help others in need.

My son is not in remission yet. My hearts desire and my faith will take me to the day he is. It will be a new beginning filled with hope. A life that encourages others, a life that gives back to others, a life that I will build to make a difference because others made a difference for me.

Writing this brings tears to my eyes because never have I  experienced the love and understanding that was shown to me when my life changed.

Love makes a difference...check
It's the little things that matter most...check
My outlook on life has changed...check
I truly love you all...check

Love,
CiCi

The tattoo on my heart

I often wonder why bad things happen to good people. Are we only allotted a small segment in our lives that are complete joy? Should we hold on to those precious moments because they won't last long? These are questions I've asked myself this past year. While reflecting on my circumstances I've come to the conclusion that my life has been unfair in the most highest form. My heart has been tattooed  in pain, anger and sorrow. It's nothing that I did or didn't do, it's the life that I was given.

The tears that have been shed were draining. The thoughts that entered my sleepless nights were real. My heart has been etched with confusion. My tattoo is getting larger.

My young, beautiful, charming, sweet, smart and loving son has cancer. There...I said it. Fucking cancer? Why? How? It's not fair. It's life changing in a way that no words can describe. It's just another etch on my heart of fear. My tattoo is getting even larger and it hurts.

I never understood the saying " no one fights alone". Now I know. Our family and friends haven't left our side. We are in this together. We fight for Ronnie, we cry for Ronnie, we pray for Ronnie, we hope for Ronnie because we love Ronnie. Because of the strong bond we have my tattoo is starting to be etched with courage.

Ronnie has shown such grace and bravery. He gives me strength. Witnessing his chemo treatments and watching his side effects etches my tattoo with pride watching him fight the battle. My tattoo is starting to have meaning.

As we go through cancer, treatments, surgeries, doctors and hospitals my tattoo has become a part of me now. It's etched on my heart with determination, hope, power,composure, endurance, optimism and faith.

We will never quit the fight...check
My tattoo will always be a part of who I have become...check
There will come a day when there is a cure for cancer...check
This is our life and my heart is in it forever...check

Love, CiCi

my heart

Everyday we make decisions. Are they based on following our heart or are they based on what is expected of us?

So many times I gave my heart to others and so many times I've taken it back. It's not so easy to follow your own heart. What our heart wants isn't always what we get.

I've made decisions throughout my life and wonder if I followed my heart if the outcome would have been different. It takes courage to follow your heart. What's most important is that we are mindful of not hurting others along the way.

I feel we need to be more kind to others and less selfish. It's okay to follow your heart but we must do it with good intent. If you want to follow your heart then make sure it's for the good of all. Burning bridges to get what you want or feel entitled to can be a lonely place. I would rather have a full heart and be surrounded by the people I love than be lonely on the other side.

My heart wants certain things but I don't have control over them...check
I gave my heart to others with no regrets...check
I will follow my heart with respect to myself and others...check
My heart feels so many emotions...check

Love, CiCi

raw

As I look in the mirror I can't believe those are my eyes looking back at me. My eyes are talking to me but I don't want to listen. I try and hide from myself but they keep looking back. I close them and pretend it will be somebody else. I open them and it's still me. Can you see me? Can you read me? Can you see the hurt? Can you see the scars on my heart? Do my eyes tell a story? Do I hide myself enough? Do I keep pretending it's not me? No, It is me; my eyes, my heart, my soul, my hurts looking back at me to remind me that this is me, my life, my story. 

Should we run away from ourselves or should we accept our life? Do we hold ourselves up with strength or do we crumble because we can? It's one or the other. When I look back at the mirror I can't change who is looking back...the eyes don't lie. So I will choose strength to face myself. If I crumble I won't be able to glue the pieces back together. 

Life is raw and true. There is no pretending or hiding from it.

I will face myself and accept life...check

It's okay to laugh and cry...check

everyone has a story...check

that girl, that strong woman, the one who tries desperately to hold it together, the one who stares back at me, the one who tells me it's okay is me...check 

Love, CiCi

 

A new season

A new season
October
changes
attitude
rain
hoodies
dry skin
sleepy
time change
wardrobe change
chilly
dark skies
attitude again
comfort food
hibernate
weight gain
sweatpants
arthritis
falling leaves
pretty colors
pumpkins
football. Go Buckeyes. Go Browns
a better attitude


I will try and keep a good attitude...check
I will try and accept the change...check
I'm strong and I can do this...check
I live in O-H-I-O...check

Love, CiCi

what's so funny?

I need to laugh more. Being to serious about work and home is exhausting me.

I need to stop following stupid rules. Who said dinner time is at five o'clock?

I need to stop thinking I can do it all.

I need to call my friends and family more often. I miss them.

I need to stop thinking my pajamas should be on by 8 p.m. I'm ridiculous.

I need to realize that it's okay to go shopping after work and stay as long as I want.

I need to forgive myself when I eat 2 donuts. It won't go to my hips right?

I need to realize relaxing for 20 minutes isn't a waste of time.

I need to plan fun activities on the weekends. The yard work can wait.

I  just need to laugh so hard my belly hurts.

LOL...check

hahahahaha...check

ROTFLMAO...check

It's 9:21 p.m. and I'm still up...check

Love, CiCi

I've come a long way baby

As I review my past posts I am amazed at how far I've come. The one thing I've noticed about myself is the self doubting I tend to have has gradually diminished. It took  getting another job for me to kick the habit. It all started 3 months ago. I applied for a full time position because my previous job was going no where fast. I knew it was a dead end years ago. Fear, rejection, lack of confidence and lack of certain skills kept me from pursuing another job. With the help of family and friends cheering me on I applied for a new position and I won. That night I quit my job that I had for 20 yrs. Best feeling ever. My  boss hired me because she saw something in me that I never did. Being a 52 yr old woman walking into a full time job wasn't easy. I'm learning so much about the industry but learning more about myself. I just wish I would have learned sooner.

I promised myself that I will not allow self doubt to exist in my life. When I'm asked to do a task at work I don't have the fear I once did. I listen and follow instructions and I pray. If I fail I forgive myself. I keep trying until it becomes second nature. I've had days where I've been discouraged but I've adjusted my thought process in a positive way.

I feel emotionally relieved knowing me and self doubt are no longer friends. Confidence is my new best friend.

I am happy that I love my job...check
I am happy that I have an opportunity to learn something new...check
I am happy that I appreciate, respect and like my boss...check
I am happy to be an activity assistant at a nursing and rehab center...check

Love, CiCi