I've come a long way baby

As I review my past posts I am amazed at how far I've come. The one thing I've noticed about myself is the self doubting I tend to have has gradually diminished. It took  getting another job for me to kick the habit. It all started 3 months ago. I applied for a full time position because my previous job was going no where fast. I knew it was a dead end years ago. Fear, rejection, lack of confidence and lack of certain skills kept me from pursuing another job. With the help of family and friends cheering me on I applied for a new position and I won. That night I quit my job that I had for 20 yrs. Best feeling ever. My  boss hired me because she saw something in me that I never did. Being a 52 yr old woman walking into a full time job wasn't easy. I'm learning so much about the industry but learning more about myself. I just wish I would have learned sooner.

I promised myself that I will not allow self doubt to exist in my life. When I'm asked to do a task at work I don't have the fear I once did. I listen and follow instructions and I pray. If I fail I forgive myself. I keep trying until it becomes second nature. I've had days where I've been discouraged but I've adjusted my thought process in a positive way.

I feel emotionally relieved knowing me and self doubt are no longer friends. Confidence is my new best friend.

I am happy that I love my job...check
I am happy that I have an opportunity to learn something new...check
I am happy that I appreciate, respect and like my boss...check
I am happy to be an activity assistant at a nursing and rehab center...check

Love, CiCi

time

Time makes you bolder even  children get older and I'm getting older too. This is from my all time favorite song Landslide by Stevie Nicks. I've been reflecting on this verse for years. This past year I've become bolder. I took a stand in having my own opinion , I've  realized I don't have to please everyone and I continue to try and fulfill my own expectations rather than depending on others.

My children got older , more mature and have taken steps to move forward with their own life. I overflow with joy and pride knowing they have made good  choices for themselves but I  miss the days when they were young. During this Christmas season I have memories of their past. I miss the times of their excitement of Santa and christmas tree decorations and school parties. I didn't know it would end until it ended. Time never stood still and it never will.

I'm getting older too. I've accepted things in life that are out of my control, I've become more quiet than ever but I still dance in the kitchen and play my music loud. As Christmas day approaches I will hold each memory close to my heart because time changes.


I'm looking forward to the new year...check
I believe in miracles...check
I rocked out to Bruce Springsteen "Santa claus is coming to town"...check
The clock is ticking...check

Love, Cici

It's all good

It's been awhile my friends. I've been running around in circles trying to find myself. Story of my life. My major issue is my job. I don't hate it but I don't love it either. I've tried to move forward but the universe  has been working against me lately. I'm such a positive person and I  always try to change my situation. I have no fear and I always have hope. I have great ideas and I dream big. I know my worth , I know I'm smart, I know I'm funny and kind and giving and I make the best wedding soup. I actually thought of selling my wedding soup but my kitchen is way too small.

I've learned that positive words brings positive energy. I've also learned that poisonous people bring negative affects. I contribute my downfalls to both. In the meantime I will do my job and be grateful for it,  stay positive and keep the snakes away.

I'm grateful for the people who understand me...check
I always pick myself back up...check
There's always something to smile about...check
I also make the best potato salad too...check


Love, CiCi

what does it mean?

In the past five hours I've heard two thought provoking stories.

1)This was a comment from a friend who lost a loved one due to a tragedy. "Don't take life for granted. Enjoy each moment as if it was your last."

2)This was a comment from a friend who is soon to undergo brain surgery due to tumors " I'm so grateful I have positive people in my life."

I've asked myself all day if I'm a positive person. I'd like to think I am but I have to work really hard at it. It's not something that comes easy for me. I can find fault in my life and complain about it which at times is a stress reliever. In order for me to be positive I have to choose my words carefully. When positive words are spoken the energy around me is lighter. It also helps when the people around me are positive. There's nothing more draining than negativity. I've had my share of it and tend to detach from the situation. I've come too far to allow another person to break my spirit.

I try not to take life for granted. I'm guilty of not living each moment to it's fullest. I haven't trained myself to do it. Again, it's not something that comes easy. Yesterday was an emotional and exhausting day due to situations that were brought on me by others. I spent my every minute filled with anger, frustration and strategies to solve the problem. I'm not doing so good with the living each moment to it's fullest thingie.

I am a work in progress. I don't know if I will ever be complete but I'm gonna give it a try. I'm still not sure what I'm searching for but for now I will settle for my self worth accomplishments.

Being positive is challenging...check
positive words soothe the soul...check
I learn from my mistakes...check
I am grateful for today...check


Love, CiCi

it's all mine

My husband is at lake Erie fishing with his buddies and I have the house all to myself tonight. I actually prepared myself for my big night by cleaning and doing laundry this afternoon. By the time he left everything was done and I was alone with nothing to do. I couldn't be more calm and relaxed right now. The TV isn't blasting and the kitchen is closed. I hear only silence right now. My pajamas were on my 7 pm and I've been playing on my computer ever since. I pinned and read blogs and deleted stupid spam. Once upon a time I would have been looking for somewhere to go but the thought of being alone sounded more exciting. I thought of having a glass of wine but I don't like to drink alone so I settled for a cup of coffee instead. 

Don't get me wrong. I love getting all dolled up and going places. I love adventure and live music and being with the people I love. Tonight was one of those rare moments that I took advantage of. I treated myself to me. 

I enjoy my own company...check

I'm finally comfortable alone...check

I love silence...check

I never got bored tonight...check

Love, CiCi

you gotta water it

I'm sure I'm not the only one who at one point thought the grass is greener on the other side. Social media totally messed with my head. I would open my facebook and see beautiful photos of vacations, perfect dinners and perfect lives. I was starting to believe my life really sucked. As I was scrambling to pay bills , make grilled cheese for supper and look half way decent for work my friends were living the perfect life. After careful review and soul searching I now know MY GRASS IS GREEN.

I came to realize everyone has burdens and I'm not the only one who struggles. I have days when I have wish my life was different. I wish I had nicer clothes ( thanks pinterest) a better job ( which by the way didn't turn out as expected) and a nicer house but...that's life

I no longer go on FB. I choose to talk, text or visit with my friends. For me it makes the relationship more solid. I need to hear a voice and a laugh. LOL doesn't cut it anymore.  It's been a year since I last checked my FB and I don't miss it at all.

I have great friends and family...check
soul searching was rewarding...check
no one will ever be perfect...check
I watered my grass and it grew...check

Love, CiCi

But what if...

I haven't slept  lately. I've had too much on my mind. I'm trying to make a life decision that will alter my lifestyle. By no one's fault but my own I've been programmed to do the same routine over and over again that it has become second nature. Days, months and years went by and I never changed.  During the years I became anxious, angry at my situation but most of all angry with myself. Many times I've thought about changing my lifestyle but fear stood in the way. Fear is so powerful and has such a hold on me but I'm going to break the cycle.

I'm tired of always second guessing myself and my abilities. I owe it to myself to break up with fear.  I will no longer be trapped in a situation and accept it. The words " but what if " are over. Done. The time has come. I feel it in my heart. I'm quitting my job. I'm moving forward with another job so let the cards fall as they may " se vuole dio".

I'm starting over...check
no one can control me except myself...check
my goals are in place...check
I'm going to get a good nights rest...check

Love, CiCi